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Local Man Aspires to Conquer Nevada
by Ken ReCorr on 11/18/2004 (0)

"One day this will be mine, all mine."
Orem, UT – A slow year in the sales of kitchen appliances forced “Arnie’s Appliances and Such” owner Arnold Mitchell to close his doors for good in early September. This single event may have also signaled the rebirth of conquistadors and days gone by filled with pillaging and plunder.

Always a hard worker, Mitchell reportedly pieced together a plan that called for a sweeping invasion across the western expanse of Utah with the means to an end of conquering the entire state of Nevada.

The idea came to Arnold “Arnie” Mitchell as he was cleaning out his garage on a brisk fall day later that month. There, beside his “appliance salesmen do it best” novelty grilling apron Mitchell stumbled upon the 1978 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Fate guided the unemployed salesman’s fingers as he opened the dusty “A-An” tome to the mesmerizing story of Alexander the Great. The similarities were striking Mitchell felt. As he read condensed account after condensed account he had a growing sense that this moment would forever alter the history of the world as it is known.

On a half crumpled piece of stationary dated September 22nd, Mitchell scrawled the message “Reno will burn” directly under “sharp cheddar” and above “rice”.

Inspired by the tales of hard fought conquest in Asia Minor and lurid yarns detailing homo-erotic sea voyages, Mitchell began to form his own strategy for etching out a corner of the world in the very same fashion.

It was on the morning of October 12th when Arnie set out going west down highway 80, his wrath and his Chrysler New Yorker bypassing Salt Lake City. Zipping past the great salt plains Mitchell stopped in Wendover, on the Nevada border. According to eye-witnesses at the Wendover BP Mitchell purchased a Diet SunDrop, then strode directly into a patch of desert fifty feet to the east of pump number five and declared, “Submit Nevada, or your streets will run red with blood!”

When told that Nevada was actually one hundred and fifty yards down the road, a stunned Mitchell left quietly after paying for his gas and using the restroom.

His next stop proved to be somewhat more eventful. Because of its geographical significance, and the fact that it had a municipal airport Mitchell decided on Elko, NV as the town that would be brought to its knees first. Town constable Mike Smith remembers seeing Mitchell on the morning of the 25th.

“He asked me for directions to the movie theater,” said Smith. “I told him that it burned down in ’89 and he left. I did notice that he smelled pretty strongly of eggs, not rotten or anything, just regular eggs.”

At some point money and supplies ran low for Mitchell as indicated in a note written on the back of a McDonald’s receipt dated September 27th:

Money has run low, all I have left are seven two-dollar bills, and while I’m sure they’ll be worth something one day I may be forced to spend them. Supplies are dangerously low – chicken salad has turned bad. I am surviving solely on slim jims and re-hydrated powdered milk. Mom and Dad have been no help. I can’t help but wonder if Hitler had this problem in Stalingrad. Conquering is hard.

The final<

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