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The Moon
by Kris on 8/8/2002 (5) 
 | | "Don't you understand, it can't be stopped, it doesn't feel pain, the only thing you can do... is die." | The Moon, as it was dubbed by the people of Earth, is a terrible creation that hangs a mere six-hundred feet above the surface of Earth, mocking us and calling us names. It is made entirely out of rotten Nacho cheese that has evolved into a living and breathing creature. It is the bane of modern man, laying waste to cities and structures with it's Moon Rays and it's ability to harness El Nino, which is Spanish for The Nino. Those few who have seen the Moon and lived to tell the tale have been forever scarred by the event, forever babbling about partisan politics and the benefits of over inflating your car tires.
The Moon has not always hung such a dark shadow over Earth. Once our world was Moon free and a great age of prosperity was experienced. Even the poor had more money than they could ever use and the blind miraculously were granted vision. Crime was non-existent and jelly donuts were plentiful. Man and Sasquatch lived together in a utopian society where the only problem was an overabundance of good times. This age of prosperity, or the "Before Times", as it is often called, came to an end six-hundred years ago when the Moon mysteriously appeared in the skies above Earth.
No one is exactly sure where it came from (or why it came) but there are two popular theories. The first claims the Moon was summoned here by a group known as Moonites in an attempt to summon a large spherical object to terrify the population of Earth. The Moonites constructed large temples in the shape of mounds of dirt for the Moon to occupy. They sacrificed many pounds of corn on an alter made of nachos to Muhahaha, the God of Dodgeball, in hopes he would bring them the Moon, shaped in his own terrible Dodgeball like image. After nearly twelve hours of such activity, it is said that a large white sphere rose from the distant ocean and travel slowly across the sky until it disappeared off the opposite horizon. The people of Earth seemed rather indifferent upon seeing the Moon, acting as if it had always been there. The other theory is that the Moon is actually an alien device meant to destroy any ships that attempt to leave Earth. The Moon patrols the skies day and night in search of any would be escapers. Proof of this theory seems to exist in the numerous Apollo spacecraft that have been drug down onto the Moon's surface, never to be heard from again. Assuming this theory is true, it is 98% likely that these aliens have trapped us in some sort of "Alien Antfarm" for their own amusement, where at a latter time they will shake the Earth and cause our intricately designed tunnels in the sand to collapse and force us to rebuild once again.
Whatever the origin of the Moon may be, it is hard to deny that the Moon is here. Hard... but not impossible. A small group from around the world has gathered in a bunker in New Jersey where they spend day and night searching for a means to prove that the moon is in fact not real. Their claims are baseless and often wildly absurd, ranging from the simple "reflection off of the atmosphere" to "a hallucination created by the government to scare corn into growing faster." Their leader refused to comment on the situation, but had he commented, it probably would have went something like this... "I'm a big stupid head leader of a stupid group with their heads up their asses. And I smell because I don't bath because if I did, I could never be half the social outcast that not bathing has lead me to. Oh yeah, Smooth Operator rules!" Everyone else who isn't a complete dumbass realizes that the Moon is in fact real and quite likely, is here to stay. NASA scientist even went so far as claiming that man had walked on the Moon, although this is quite obviously a lie, as the Moon Yetis would have torn any human to be on the Moon to shreds. Nearly all major countries on Earth have acknowledged the existence of the Moon and some have even claimed that not only is it real, but the Moon is trying to cover their nation with a smooth cheese spread.
 | | Acctually video footage of Moon Rays destroying a local forest. | Now that you know that the Moon exists, you must be asking yourself, "Self, now that I know that the Moon is in fact real, what can I do to protect myself from it's terrible Moon Powers?" The Moon emits a high powered radiation, known as Moon Rays, all day long. If not for the Earth's atmosphere©, these Moon Rays would instantly turn the people of Earth into a race of Super Shrimp who's only goal each day would be to not get caught in the nets of the Super Fisherman sent from Saturn to harvest the Super Shrimp in their Super Nets. Unfortunately, the atmosphere© does not block all of this radiation and each of us on Earth is slowly turning into a Super Shrimp. So far, no method has been devised that can completely stop this reaction, but some methods have been found that will slow this transformation process. First and foremost, never ever go outside. Ever. This is quickest may to expose yourself to Moon Rays. It is recommended that you live in a small sealed container (possibly Tupperware) and only eat the bark of the common birch tree. You should also avoid all Moon created products, such as Pop Rocks, Cotton Candy, and steak sauce. The US government, along with the help of race of genetically engineered hyper intelligent rabbits, have been working on a plan to destroy the Moon for years. Early indications seem to indicate that Bruce Willis and and an all-star cast of roughneck oil drillers will blast off on a mission to save the planet by drilling a large crater into the Moon and blow it into two pieces that will safely fall onto several small Jersey suburbs.
The Moon is clearly an evil creation. Nothing good has ever come because of the Moon and it looks that nothing ever will. All we can do is wait and hide in our Tupperware containers until we turn into a race of mindless Super Shrimp.
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