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Tornado reveals Kansas man is an idiot
by Mark on 10/4/2004 (0)

Can your secret life withstand the whirlwind?
DOROTHY, KS - Homeowner Russell Heinz is revealed to be somewhat less than the intellectual giant he led others to believe after a twister decimated and scattered the contents of his Kansas home.

Fire chief Linda Jablonski elaborates:

"I was first on the scene. Thank God the Heinz family had taken refuge in a shelter downtown, and were not in the house at the time. Mr. Heinz has been the auditor of the town pension committee since 1974, and is widely regarded as a intellectual titan by his peers. That's why I was shocked to find what I did."

Jablonski describes finding remedial reading audio tapes, hooked on phonics exercise worksheets, various grade school level math and reading textbooks, and mail order GED equivalence essays with Mr. Heinz's name on them scattered and strewn about the shattered property.

"It quickly became clear that the guy we've entrusted our tax dollars with for the past 30 years has pretty much been faking it all along. Turns out he never graduated high school. Twisters have a way of revealing a person's secrets the hard way, like that."

When asked the obvious, how Heinz was appointed to such an important, demanding posistion in the first place, Jablonski speculated

"Another twister destroyed the High School along with its records back in 1974, and the dockets at City Hall as well. I'm guessing he seized that opportunity to get on the inside."

Jablonski added that the reason that the White House is located in Washington D.C. is probably because tornados have never been recorded there historically.isp0" style="display:no

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