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Man-Chair Duo Wins Dance Competition
by Kris on 9/20/2004 (0)

It's not just for sitting anymore!
Local man Timothy Sweet has recently won one of the most prestigious dancing competitions in all of Hamburg, North Dakota, the annual Hamburg Dance-A-Thon. Each year, contestants come from all across the county and reenact a brutal tradition of couples dancing until only one couple is left standing amidst a blood-soaked battlefield covered in the lifeless bodies of their former competitors.

Typically the winner of this competition is a man and a woman. This year’s winner was, oddly, a man and his chair.

“I searched high and low for a worthy partner,” said Timothy. “But alas, I could find none that matched unbelievably keen dancing ability.”

“He is a very keen dancer,” said Timothy’s mom.

Timothy is well trained in the art of interpretative dance. He trained for ten years under Yanny McDoodle, the most revered interpretive dance instructor in all of Hamburg. Timothy has performed in numerous dance recitals since, including performing interpretative dance to such high profile projects as Conan The Barbarian, The O.J. Simpson Trial, and most recently Aliens VS. Predator. He is currently preparing a dance number to represent Hurricane Ivan.

“There will be a lot of spinning,” said Timothy of his latest dance.

Unable to find a partner with comparable skills, Timothy’s spirits declined.

“I wanted to win so badly, I knew I was capable, but I just couldn’t find anyone else that could last such a brutal endeavor,” said Timothy. “I haven’t felt this badly since I cut the brake lines on my brother’s car as an April Fool’s joke and he had to spend all day fixing them.”

Then inspiration struck at the most unlikely of times.

“I was sitting down, which is what I always do when I’m not standing,” said Timothy. “Then I realized my partner was closer than I had ever imagined.”

The official rules of the Hamburg Dance-A-Thon never state the gender or species that your partner must be, only stating there must be two contestants dancing at all times. In the past, people have danced with dogs and pigs, but only briefly as a joke.

“Everyone laughs when you dance with a pig,” said one former contestant.

“This is a glaring omission in the rules and will be remedied before next year’s contest,” said Lord Gracie Michaels, ruler of the dance off. “We take our dancing seriously and Timothy and Chairy are making a mockery of our mighty institution.”

"I searched high and low for a worthy partner. But alas, I could find none that matched unbelievably keen dancing ability."
- Timothy Sweet.
Dancer, lover of chairs.
Timothy and Chairy cut a rug like no one else at the Dance-A-Thon that night. They spun, they twirled, Timothy performed a sort of lap dance with the chair that most described as “rather disturbing”.

“It was like a horrible meshing of ma


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