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Man thought to be a Velociraptor shot 14 times by Police
by Kris on 7/14/2004 (4)

Man or Dinosaur? It's too close to call.
Idiot, North Dakota Police, responding to a report of forced entry and petty vandalism, shot and killed the suspect’s uncle, who was hiding under the bed, presumably from officers who had forcibly broken into his second story bedroom window.

Police Chief Jerry Waltham said Tuesday that an officer mistook John Nelson for a velociraptor and shot him 14 times.

“Velociraptors are an enemy of all man,” said Waltham, referring to the long extinct carnivorous dinosaur. Velociraptor were featured predominantly in the Jurassic Park series of movies, something that Waltham claims “struck fear into police everywhere.”

John Nelson, 65, was old and nearly immobile thanks to a crippling case of arthritis in his knees. He had been living in a homeless shelter previously, before realizing that his niece and nephew didn’t mind him sleeping under their bed.

“This situation involves two terrible tragedies: a brutal case of domestic vandalism and the loss of a life,” said Mayor John Casterbridge.

This marks the fourth fatal police shooting involving a person being mistaken for a dinosaur in Idiot this year, up two already from a year ago.

Cathy Nelson had called the police Monday night to report that someone had broken into her home and vandalized her refrigerator with rude comments.

“Someone had entered my home and written rude and derogatory comments like ‘Milk’ and ‘Cheese’ on the whiteboard on my fridge,” said Cathy. Cathy’s husband Mark, who had left on a business trip earlier in the day after drinking the last of the milk and eating the last of the cheese, was unavailable for comment.

"This situation involves two terrible tragedies: a brutal case of domestic vandalism and the loss of a life"
- Mayor Casterbridge, Mayor of Idiot, North Dakota.
Police borrowed a ladder to enter the home through a bedroom window, attempting to be “very sneaky” as one officer described. They kicked in the window and entered the room, which is when they reportedly saw a “six foot long, three foot tall dinosaur with sharp curved teeth and three clawed hands.” The officers opened fire on the beast, emptying 14 shots into him before he finally went down.

John Nelson was taken to Idiot General Hospital where he was said to be in “good spirits”. Upon closer examination, he was pronounced dead.

Police have been working to reform the department ever since a 12 year old child, suspected to be a rogue stegosaurus, was shot and killed last summer. Casterbridge appointed a 15 member panel that last month made the recommendation that included when force should be used and trips to archeological museums so that officers could finally learn the differences between humans and dinosaurs.

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