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Souls of the Damned to power new GM vehicles
by Kris on 6/29/2004 (3) 
 | | Coming soon to an engine near you. | | In today’s world of high priced gasoline, companies are always looking for a cheaper alternative. Previously this has come in such forms as solar power, gas/electricity hybrid, and nuclear fusion. Now General Motors, makers of such fine automobiles as the 1993 Chevy Conversion Van and the 1970 Chevy Nova, has stepped up to the plate and thrown their figurative hat into the ring with something previously unseen in the automotive world, a car fueled by the souls of the damned.
“We looked at the many alternatives for powering an automobile, we just felt there had to be a better way,” said Jeff Watson, engineer for General Motor. “Solar power isn’t always effective and hybrid cars are still dependent on non-renewable resources.”
The Research and Development Team at General Motors began looking at all possibilities for powering an automobile that weren’t dependent on forms of gasoline.
“We considered a lot of crazy things,” said Watson. “We talked about cars powered by hamster wheels, cars that ran off of unused bacon fat, and even a perpetual motion car that could never stop.”
Finally they found what they were looking for from the mind of the newly hired engineering intern, Satan.
 “A lot of people were initially against hiring the Devil,” said Leonard Willis, a high-ranking executive at GMC that you have probably never heard of before. “But I listened to what he had to say, and I found he had a lot of great ideas… diabolical and evil yes, but still great.”
“My cars are evil,” said Satan. “Anyone that drives my cars will join me in Hell.”
Satan proposed taking the many damned souls from Hell and, using a sophisticated process pioneered in the 1984 hit movie Ghostbusters, converting their energy to power automobiles. The damned powered engines still operate remarkably like internal combustion engines, but rather than using expensive high-octane fuel, they run on readily available pure concentrated evil.
“As long as the world has been around, there has been evil,” said Willis. “As long as this trend continues, and we are optimistic that it will, owners of our new cars will never have trouble finding fuel.”
Current estimates have the damned powered automobiles traveling between 15 and 25 miles per soul. The cost to acquire a damned soul is approximately 65 cents, far less than the current cost of gasoline, which is over $2 a gallon in some locations. Hell also has a plentiful supply of the damned, more than enough to power the automotive needs of the world for nearly forty years!
"My cars are evil. Anyone that drives my cars will join me in Hell"
| | - Satan, GM Intern. | | “At our current rate of consumption, the world will run out of oil in three weeks,” claimed Willis, a claim we later identified to be true. “We must do something now, lest<
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