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Media frenzy after man eats at McDonalds
by Kris on 6/14/2004 (0)

Look at me, I'm eating a burger! Whoopidy doo!
Local news media was all over 54-year-old Ralph Jackson, longtime resident of Port Duncan, North Carolina. Jackson had just done what millions had done before and millions after will do, he had gotten hungry and eaten at a McDonalds restaurant.

“I had just finished doing some yard work for starving orphans,” said Jackson. “I was on my way home, felt a little hungry, and purely by chance I happened to see a McDonalds nearby. After spending a day doing yard work for a group of children with no parents or food, I felt compelled to stop and have a bite to eat.”

Jackson moved to Port Duncan with his family when we was five and has lived there since. His parents now live in nearby Shamash and his brother has fled the state under allegations of propositioning sex from an underage mailbox. The McDonalds restaurant Jackson dined at opened in 1985 and has been one of the most successful fast food restaurant in the area, second only to ‘Dicks World of Beef and Beef Byproducts’.

Reportedly Jackson entered the McDonalds at 6:43 and proceeded to the counter where he paid with cash, using small bills, all non-sequential.

“It was a slow period, he came right to the front and ordered a Big Mac Extra Value Meal,” said the teenage hooligan that took Jackson’s order. “It was all pretty routine, defiantly not something that any legitimate news source should be reporting on.”

“We’re not really surprised,” said Jackson’s mother, Mrs. Jackson. “He goes there all the time.”

“It sounds like something my son would do,” said Jackson’s father, Mr. Jackson.

“People eat at McDonalds all the time,” said town police chief George Monty. “I suppose we could try to stop them, but it’s always dangerous when you put yourself between a man and his meal.”

While Monty did not give any specific details on the ongoing investigation into this incident, he did admit there appeared to be “no mal intent” on Jackson’s part.

McDonalds was founded in 1953 as a means to distribute goats’ milk directly to consumers. After a year of poor sales, McDonalds changed its focus to fast food and milkshakes. Shortly after, it was franchised and has since gone on to reportedly server over 11 billion customers, many just like Ralph Jackson.

So if this incident appears to be so routine, then why the massive amount of local coverage?

“No reason really,” said Tom Flickenstien, editor of the ‘Port Duncan Yodeler’, a local news publication. “Some would chalk it up to a slow news day, but I think it has more to do with massive amounts of uranium in the town’s water supply. You know, Port Duncan is one of only three towns in the world whose residents glow in the dark.”

Days after the incident, Jackson reflected on his choice.

“The food was good and I wasn’t hungry afterward. I’ve been there before, and I’ll probably be there again.


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