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Football coach apologizes for offending Molemen
by Kris on 6/8/2004 (1)

Molemen are people too... the most frightening people of them all.
Bob Thompson apologized Tuesday for referring to one of his new offensive plans as “molemen tactics”, saying the remark was inappropriate and “simply bizarre”.

The Cedar View Fighting Crawfish varsity football coach was talking to local news media after the team’s first summer practice about how his defensive and offensive coordinators try to outdo each other when he made the comment, perhaps a reference to a fictional race of creatures that live below the surface of Earth.

Molemen have long been believed to live underground, mining precious minerals which are traded on the black market for weapons, retired Beanie Babies, and Pokèmon cards. “Gotta catch 'em all,” they often chant.

“You’ve got to keep one eye on each of these two at all times, because they’re going to try and get the upper hand,” said Thompson, referring to defensive coordinator John Roberts and offensive coordinator Randy Wade. “John wants the defense to play well, and Randy, he’s going to have a few of what we call molemen tactics, surprise things really… he’s gonna have people popping out of the ground all over just like those crazy molemen we all fear!”

After a murmur in the room of reporters, which included a moleman journalist and a man dressed as a chicken, Thompson repeated, “No disrespect to all you cave dwelling slime.”

“Bob Thompson is a brilliant coach and above average home economics teacher,” said Doug Lester, member of Americans for Tolerance of Molemen (ATM). “Unfortunately, he is ignorant about racial slurs and man-moleman relations. I take great offense to what he said, he ought to know better. Thompson sorely needs more education on what is offensive and non-offensive to our future subterranean masters.”

Crawfish spokesman Harry Simpleton apologized on behalf of the school, and Thompson later issued a statement.

“Today during my time with the media, I made a very inappropriate and inaccurate reference. Molemen do not tunnel thru the ground like the common criminal, they use armies of human slaves tirelessly picking and shoveling away. This remark was inconsiderate, inaccurate, and uncalled for. For that I apologize to molemen, their family, friends, and unwilling slaves,” he said.

Crawfish spokesman Simpleton said the “Fighting Crawfish apologize to anyone who may or may not have been offended.”

Yadu Pognog, editor of ‘High School Football for Molemen’, said he wasn’t offended, though he knows many molemen will be.

“There is a lot of chance for someone to feel offended,” Pognog said. “I probably would be too, if my heart wasn’t cold and black from years of bitter abuse at the hands of the molemen.”

Thompson spoke to Pognog, offering what the reporter perceived to be either an apology or a grave misuse of flowers and Michael Bolton lyrics. Pognog said he was surprised more by the reaction of other reporters than the comment.

This rather offensive comment was only part of Thompson’s hour long session with the media, in which he also talked about the team’s quarterback situation, new additions to the team, his fear of being enslaved by molemen, and h

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1. by GAY on 11/23/2009 11:11:42 AM
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