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James Bonds diagnosed with crabs
by Mel S. on 5/12/2004 (6)

Ack, crabs!
It seems James Bond's woman chasing days have caught up with him, because last Monday, it seems he received some shocking news.

Dr. Agnes Brown explains. "Well, James Bond walks into my office, trying to act all cool and suave. But underneath the style, I could see he was a timid little man, ready to be pounced on by a grizzly bear at any moment," Dr. Brown continues. "So he says he's been getting some very irritable itches in an area way downtown, and I knew quickly what it was, good ole' crabs."

James Bond was floored by the diagnosis. For years he had been having sex with women all across the world, and not once had the thought of STD's crossed his mind. Even when his archenemy Dr. Killgore tried to inject him with a needle full of Scabies, Bond managed to shoot a rocket into his stomach.

Bond's old friend Moneypenny had more to say. "He was very depressed. He thought he was invincible, yet these small bugs managed to beat him. I was feeling bad for him, so I went to cheer him up at his house. I was shocked to find he had barred all the windows shut, and was watching 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'. He looked really out of it, and he didn't seem to stop scratching himself. Seriously, he had a fork down there!"

Is this the end of James Bond career as a suave secret agent? Old friend Dr. Killgore doesn't seem to think so. "James Bond has been coming at me for years, and I don't think he'll stop now. I mean, one time, I shot this death laser into his skull, and he still managed to drive a helicopter into space and destroy my satellite that was controlling all of the robotic gorillas. Even I have to admit that's pretty wicked cool."

But there's only one man that can give us the real story on the crabs, and that man is James Bond. Unfortunately, James Bond was unavailable for an interview, so we talked to his lesser-known brother, Larry Bond, a comedian in the vein of Jerry Lewis and Gallagher.

"James is doing well. The crabs may have won the battle, but they will not win the war… Unless James stops using that special shampoo. If he does, the crabs will most likely take over his body and kill him in the most gruesome and disturbing way possible. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it," Larry says. "In other news, my wacky sitcom '008: Secret Agent Clown' will soon be debuting on UPN. If you like spy action and zany comedy, then tune in because it'll make you say 'I like my comedy shaken, not stirred!', and that's a guarantee!"

So this evening when you're praying to the gods for money and more reality TV, make sure you give a shout out to James Bond, who needs all the help he can get in his brave battle against crabs, the greatest evil villain of them all.isp0" style="display:no

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1. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
hey this is pretty funny then again, maybe it isn't cuz I'm pretty drunk and have never had crabs yet (which could be pretty painful when reading this) and intend to keep it that wayuild </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I used to have some hermit crabs, but I don't think it's the same. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
hermit crabs... think about that for a few seconds to everyone, a hermit crab is a kind of lobster living in a snail's shell but in the context of STD-crabs... a hermit crab becomes a kind of contradiction in terms cuz how would a hermit ever suffer from crabs? </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Maybe he/she became a hermit because of the trama cause from contracting crabs?ui </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
maybe... go see a cheap hooker, find out. If you're lucky you'll get gonnorhoea, chlamydia, herpes and maybe even AIDS! (don't mind the spelling) </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
That'd be, like, all the big names. I don't think anyone is that lucky, or that sick.n </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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