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The Next Big Thing
by Kris on 7/22/2002 (6) 
 | The first rollercoaster | The world has always had a long standing fascination with the rollercoaster. Early cavemen pioneered the first form of the rollercoaster. These early coasters consisted of simply sliding down the back of a prehistoric dinosaur. Later miners perfected the art, using their otherwise boring mine carts for some speed endused thrills. Now, nearly 400 billion years later, rollercoasters have run amuck across our towns, turning otherwise slack jawed yokels into mindless rollercoaster junkies! These rollercoaster junkies or RoCoJos (as they refer to themselves) are constantly in search of the next big thing. The current “next big thing” comes from world renowned rollercoaster designer John VonRollercoaster.
“I set out to make the biggest and best rollercoaster of all time. I want the kind of coaster that moves you not just physically, but also traumatizes you mentally,” John said, or at least we assumed he would say if he hadn’t been killed in a freak mime accident early today. “I’ve always enjoyed rollercoasters. But today’s coasters are too mild for the average fan. What I have done is, quite literally, created a rollercoaster that provides the most exciting, and often last, ride of your life.”
Lovingly dubbed the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine”, this is one wicked coaster. The entire coaster is encased in a space age polymer that keeps out the sun’s rays, which would kill any normal person that were to travel out of the earth’s atmosphere. It also is completely pressurized and has ample air supply inside to provide air for a colony of aardvarks living on the moon for seventeen years! Riders are fastened to the seats inside the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” with an eleven point racing harness, which is perhaps the greatest innovation in safety since the ten point racing harness. Each rider is also required to wear a helmet that contains twenty feet of foam padding and a likeness of Leonard Nimoy on the side!
The ride begins simply with a 9,000 foot rise. As you plummet back to earth, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” reaches speeds of 372,000 miles per second… twice the speed of light! But this is just the beginning. Next, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” enters a series of six thousand consecutive loops the span the entire distance from North America to Peru! After this, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” travels underwater to the middle of the ocean, then proceeds to go through the center of the earth, exiting at an undisclosed location that can only be described as tropical! Finally, you are shot into space where you do two orbits around the earth and then fall to the ground, landing in a giant bowl of Lucky Charms, where the lucky riders will be forced to eat their way out or suffer death among a sea of hearts, stars, clovers, diamonds and blue moons.
As of this moment, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” Has single handedly killed more people than cancer, AIDS, all modern wars, and Celine Deon combined! Infact, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” has a 100% fatality rate, the second highest of any rollercoaster ever known to man (the first highest was known as the “Killing Machine” and killed not only it’s riders, but wiped out three small towns before it was stopped by a tactical nuclear strike)! Because of it’s high fatality rate, the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine” is not open to the general public. To ride the “Traumatizer 6000 Death Coaster Revenge to the Power of Nine”, you are required to attend a six year training session a
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