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What would Jerry Seinfeld say?
by Mark on 4/17/2004 (0)

Look ma, no pants!
What would Jerry say if he were still prime time today?

1. On terrorists

"It must be very dissapointing to be a terrorist. You almost never get to take credit for any of your hard work because your face is wrapped up like the Mummy's! No-one can recognize you! If they had a 'Terrorist of the month' magazine, it wouldn't make any sense to create a profile for anyone. Every name would be listed as 'anonymous', and every face in every picture would look like two eyes and a ski mask!"

2. On fast food and smoking advertising

"Have you ever noticed that all of the actors eating cheeseburgers in the fast-food commercials aren't fat? I think they need to hire some really overweight actors for their commercials to show what happens when you eat their food! The same is true for smoking ads. Everyone in smoking ads are white water rafting or doing laps at the Olympics! Maybe the fast-food and tobacco industry should join forces. If they did, 'Alive with pleasure' would mean sky diving with a menthol cigarette in one hand and a Big Mac in the other!"

3. On computers

"Have you ever noticed that when someone has used a computer for awhile it becomes 'their' computer? Hey! Get away from there! That's MY computer! Dogs do the same thing when they mark their territory. Hey! Get away from there! That's MY fire hydrant! Taking away someones computer is like taking a dog's chew toy away. They go insane with rage because they originally snatched it away from another dog in the first place!"

4. On cell phones and hard wired phones

"The reason for the success of cell phones is in their prestige, not their portability, because if you get the same type of silly calls on a regular wired phone, you hang up on them! If you get a silly call on your cell phone in public, it takes on great importance. Why? because it's like you're a secret agent talking to mission control! [Holds make-believe phone to ear] "Yes Mr. President, I'll drop what I'm doing and take that dish detergent survey right away!" If you got the same call on a wired phone, you'd bang the reciever down 2 seconds later. Why? There isn't any intrigue because no one is watching you! There just isn't any excitement left in wired phones anymore!"

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