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EarthLink to fight Fishing websites
by Kris on 4/15/2004 (3)

The horror, the horror!
EarthLink is currently working to put an end to fishing websites, those websites designed to promote the catching of fish for recreational, commercial, and sexual purposes.

Fishing websites are called that because they have various articles about how to catch fish, how to prepare fish, and how to make sweet love to fish. These sites often contain numerous fishing stories and anecdotes. Many contain pictures of fish and of people in the act of fishing.

EarthLink receives about 10,000 telephone calls and emails each month from subscribers who have visited a fishing website and have been offended by it.

"Fish are slimy and gross," claims one such email. "When I visit the Internet, I want to see hardcore goat porn, not any number of cold-blooded aquatic vertebrates, characteristically having fins, gills, and a streamlined body... as hot as that sounds, I draw the line at goats."

"Despite being a good source of protein, most people find fish disgusting, and even more simply fear them because they fear anything that lives underwater, like Jaws or Aquaman," says a spokesman for EarthLink. "We've had numerous complaints and feel that it is in the best interest of everyone on the Internet to finally put an end to this sort of filth."

John Sapwoods, a spokesman for the industry wide Anti-Fishing Community, said many in the industry feel that fishing websites are especially dangerous because of the growing wealth of fishing information that they provide.

"With all the knowledge one could acquire from these sites, they could single handedly wipe out all the aquatic life from Earth's oceans!" claims Sapwoods. "Then who would protect us from the molemen? Without fish, we're all doomed!"

EarthLink's anti-Fishing program will began by bringing down the biggest fishing sites through a series of threatening letters and borderline legal tactics.

"I can write a mean letter," says Ted Jackson, official Threatening Letter Writer for EarthLink. "I start with threats, then derogatory comments, then slander directed at your mom. By the time you finish one of my letters, you'll be feeling pretty lousy."

If letters won't convince webmasters to shutdown their fishing websites, EarthLink is prepared to take even greater measures.

"We aren't above adding webmasters to bulk email lists," says EarthLink President and CEO Charles Betty. "If that doesn't work, we will write to the family and friends of the webmasters and reveal their secret lives as insecure nerds who run fishing websites out of their parents basements. As a last measure, we will firebomb their homes."

Webmasters and fishing fans don't seem to agree with EarthLink's plans or intentions.

"I enjoy fishing and I like to learn about fishing and what other fishermen are doing, sexually or otherwise," says avid fisherman Don Trumann. "Fishing websites aren't hurting anyone, except maybe the Hungarians who will feel the bitter sting of living in a landlocked country."

"The Internet is full of sites how to build bombs and to make shives out of sawdust, pencil shavings, and used chewing gum," says another avid fisherman. "Those are far worse than anyth

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