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bEAM mE uP sCOTTY!
by Mark on 3/28/2004 (3) 
Playing a computer keyboard is just like playing the piano. Anyone who has mistaken F minor for F# knows the drill, and so does the audience! Here are some common sour notes unique to the old 106 ergo softkey:
1. Caps inversion: This is a timeless classic invoking images of inverted Bach. This common dischord ocurrs when the caps key is left on, and often happens when one is typing far too quickly, as on a message board. Instead of reading:
"Bull Nuts! Bush-Cheney in 2004! Kerry sucks!"
reads:
"bULL nUTS! bUSH-cHENEY IN 2004! kERRY SUCKS!"
Perhaps the costliest of all errors, the caps inversion tends to render serious statements into Dr. Seuss whimsical ones.
2. Premature key release: The bane of Sonata lovers, this error ocurrs when the shift key is released too soon. The most common example is the 1 key, with an exclamation point upon shift. When shouting "Fark you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111", releasing the shift key early results in a numerical one "tail", indicating the player is so hepped to move onto the next note, a proper sustain is not observed. Flame warriors are notorious for premature key release, along with premature other things.
3. O-0 inversion: Poor hand-eye control is the hallmark of these two common errors. The zero (0) key is often visually mistaken for an O. While the resulting chord is still recognizable, it is somewhat skewed, as in "Web p0rn". Inversion can sometimes be used in a deliberate, cunningly creative fashion, as in "Crap0rama" or "phiber0ptic". Only advanced students with a history of FBI investigation should consider using the inversion on purpose.
4.Illegal substitution: A great deal of care must be executed to insure this error does not ocurr. Two legal substitutions for the word "boobies" are: (.)(.) and: ^ ^ (choice depending on tilt/location of the players head). An illegal substitution for the word boobies is :P(.)(.)
Although :P(.)(.) is embraced by New Age composers, it is considered a bit too brassy and risque' by Classicists.
5. Number lock failure: Failure to secure the number lock can be catastrophic. As all experienced key jockeys know, turning off the number lock turns the number keypad into a up/down/sideways cursor.
Attempting to type "A1-B2-C3-D4-E5-G6-H7-I8" results in:
"-IA-B-C--E-GD-H"
Completely nonsensical, although some scholars have suggested that number lock failure is how Nazi U-boat codes were cracked in WWII.
Watch for lesson number 2, "Spac e bar manag ment ", coming soon!
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