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I picked the wrong election to quit drinking
by Mark on 2/9/2004 (2)

"It looks like I picked the wrong election to quit drinking!"
Airplane! super-star Leslie Nielsen has announced his own Independent presidential bid. Smooth Operator has obtained a rare interview...

As November draws closer and closer, more and more seemingly unlikely candidates are stepping forward. A Smooth Operator exclusive, I was able to attend a rare, closed door Press conference with Airplane! actor-comedian Leslie Nielsen.

"Mr Nielsen, we've been seeing more and more Hollywood actors running for public office. Was your decision to run inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger's victory in California?"

Looking at me for a full 2 minutes without blinking, Nielsen responded:

"Actors are better equipped than professional politicans when it comes to dealing with the public. We are already endeared in the public heart through our movie characters. We can say and do whatever we want, and the public will buy into it. The fact is, the current administration is having a very serious P.R. problem on Capitol Hill."

I replied quizzically

"What is it?"

Nielsen scratched his ear

"It's a large white domed building filled with politicians, but that's not important right now...the fact is, there's a sickness in Washington, and the symptoms are easy to spot."

Loosening my tie, I queried

"What kind of symptoms?...Is it serious?"

Nielsen examined his finger

"Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. The victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash, then the disease goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable grueling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence, Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.

This is the first time I've seen this disease on Capitol Hill, and it's scaring the hell out of me."

"F-first time?"

"No...I've been scared lots of times, but that's not the issue. The issue is..."

Nielsen paused

"Do you happen to have a cigarette?"

I tossed him a Winston, offering a light

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

Taking a deep drag, Nielsen tossed the cigarette into a trash can which exploded into flames.

"...the issue is, the Independent Party is the only hope we got. An unemployed carpenter asked me if there was any hope, and I told him the story of deceased Independent senator George Zip."

Nielsen paused to take a pull from a hip flask.

"Sometimes, when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then Les, he said, but I won't smell too good, that's for sure.

Dousing the flames with my Starbucks, I pressed on.

"B-but HOW can a Hollywood actor possibly be an effective politician? The idea smacks of complete madness and chaos...surely, you can't be serious?"

Just as Nielsen was about to answer, a jet roared overhead, drowning out his response. A moment later, after wishing us luck, and that he was counting on us, he left the stage.

Stowing my gear, I headed back home to Smooth Operator HQ, handing my transcripts to my editor Kris Steele.

"Great job! I'll post this interview tonight! Take the rest of the day off, on me!"

As I was headed for the door, Kris interjected:

"Oh! By the way, Lesl

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1. by shirley on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I am serious.And stop calling me shirley!h="0" h </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Anything for you Shirley"0" style=" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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