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Zombies need school too
by Kris on 1/13/2004 (6) 
 | | MONSTERS COME REAL! CRASH OUT OF SCREEN! INVADE AUDIENCE! ABDUCT GIRLS FROM THEIR SEATS! | For years, Zombies have walked the face of Earth, feasting on human flesh and generally tormenting the living and even some Canadians. What most people don't realize though, is that this life is only a life of circumstance for Zombies. Zombies simply lack the basic educational background to realize right from wrong or apples from human brains.
It is with this thought in mind that Dr. Wally Mizee, Professor of Zombie Research at the Maine University of Lobster and Zombie Research, has opened the world's first school specifically for Zombies and other forms of the living dead.
"For years, Zombies have been forced to walk roam the lands without even basic spelling and mathematic skills," Dr. Mizee told our reporters. "It's no wonder they've fallen into the role of terrorizor and flesh consumer. Our studies, which were largely based on the 1963 motion picture 'The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies', has shown that without basic schooling, the average human would too be consuming flesh by the age of nine and would become a plague to humanity by age twelve."
This new Zombie school aims to educate Zombies in an effort to sway them from their flesh consuming ways. Classes will be taught by a specially trained staff that will be armed with silver bullets. While this won't protect them in any way from the Zombies, it will protect them from the incidental werewolf attack. Fortunately most teachers aren't fearful of the Zombies.
"My books will be my shield," says one teacher, "And my knowledge will be my rocket launcher."
Zombies will be instructed in such basic skills as mathematics, spelling, grammar, history, and science. Advanced classes like computers, underwater basket weaving, and nuclear fusion theory will be available for those undead that excel at their normal lines of classes.
"Rather that instructing Zombies in one specific area, we feel it is best to create a well rounded Zombies," says Dr. Mizee. "This will give the Zombies a better idea as to why killing the living is a bad idea and maybe even prepare them for a life of sweatshop labor."
Some critics disagree with this line of thinking though.
"Zombies are soulless, flesh eating machines, just like Celine Deon or the Backstreet Boys," claims Allan Pilson, an avid opponent of Zombies. "By teaching them, we are simply making them better killing machines."
"That's ridiculous," retorted Dr. Mizee upon hearing this comment. "This has nothing to do with machines, it's about teaching Zombies. Parents are always sending their kids to school to learn, why shouldn't we send Zombies too?"
Despite opponents like Allan Pison and 98% of the free world, the Dr. Mizee School for Zombies and the Undead is now open and accepting students. While initial enrollment is small, Dr. Mizee feels it will pick up through word of mouth as the news spreads through the Zombies community.
"Perhaps the most difficult aspect of this entire process is simply getting the word out," says Dr. Mizee. "After all, Zombies can't read or speak, they're a hard market to reach."0"<
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