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Subway Jared: America's ticking time bomb
by Mark on 11/24/2003 (0)

Subway Jared had single handedly built a Brave New World for himself. A world that forever teeters on the brink of cataclysm and doubt.

Jared eyed the Insurance agent icily, he knew what was coming.

"I just want to take out a long term life insurance policy. Why can't you do that? What is the problem??

The insurance agent glanced obliquely at Jared, and down again at his medical charts.

"I-I-m sorry, Jared, but there are 'things' in your medical past we cannot overlook. You might call them 'risk factors'. In order to proceed, I must.

Abruptly, Jared jumped from his chair, eyeing him peevishly.

"You don't have to explain! I know exactly what you're thinking! I get it all the time, and I'm damn sick of it!"

The man looked on, confused.

Charging into the streets, Jared ambled aimlessly about downtown, dragging himself past a Cinnabon and a Polish Sausage kiosk.

He muttered to himself:

"Sub sandwiches with nothing but vegetables on them. God, I hate vegetables."

Stopping at the airport to buy two postdated airline tickets to Tahiti, Jared found himself staring coldly at the ticket girl.

"What do you MEAN you can't sell me any tickets farther than 2 months in advance? Let me guess, you're afraid of WEIGHT considerations, right! You think I'm going to balloon up again, right? Don't you think I get the message? Fine! I'll take a BUS to Tahiti! HA!"

The woman looked on confused.

Jared made his last stop of the day, at a modeling agency who had offered him a short-term contract.

"So, tell me again, WHY I can't have a contract longer than 2 months at a time? Let me guess? Because you think I'm going to get FAT, again, right?!! Why don't you just come out and SAY it? I am so tired of these little not-so-subtle innuendos, if that's what your thinking, just SAY it! Well, let's just forget about it! I'll model for weight watchers!"

The modeling agent, in conference with the life insurance agent and the airline ticket girl, puzzled over Jared's reactions:

The insurance agent explained:

"I just wanted to tell him that since he had his tonsils removed, his rates would be 1 dollar a month higher."

The ticket girl explained:

"We don't book flights to Tahiti more than two months in advance due to the unpredictable hurricane season."

And the modeling agent explained:

"We didn't sign Brook Shields for longer than two months at a time. Faces get old, you know, fact of the business."

A victim of his own device, Jared submerged his sorrow into a double quarter pounder with cheese, super fries and a chocolate shake. The quintessential paradox of a fat man trapped in a thin man's body, Jared sobbed:

"I-I'm coming home, mom! I'm coming home!"


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