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Differences split small Ohio Town
by Mark on 10/25/2003 (5)

The tiny town of Gnawbone, Ohio, population 133, (pronounced ga-naw-boe-knee, by the Northern half of the town, and gnaw-bone by the Southern,) has announced a territorial split, citing irreconcilable differences between the two. The town, located on a mile square rolling Ohio hillock, has been separated down the middle; with Pooha's chicken shack describing the Northern boundary and Donnie Rodabarger's Phillips 76 fast stop the South. Newly elected Southern Gnawbone mayor Jimmy Howerton explains the odd decision.

"It's hard to say how all of this came about, but it took 125 years. My daughter Rhonda lives up North, and I'm afraid this split may see the end of my family unity as well."

Howerton tilted a family picture on his desk toward the window.

"But a man's bound to fight for what he believes in. The 75 or so folks up North felt they were better than us. They cut their grass twice a week instead of once, planted flowers around every tree in sight. When they started a recycling drive to pay for a new garbage truck, they accused us of being lazy and not contributing enough, stuff like that. Plus, ever since Mrs. Gruber's 7 nieces came in from Sweden 20 years ago and married in, they think they're blonder and prettier than us too. What am I supposed to say? I've got my pride too you know."

Northern mayor William 'Billy' Buckley, shaking his head and laughing softly, retorted:

"Some folks just don't fit in. It's true that 5 families who settled here in 1878 founded Gnawbone, but things have changed. We're more progressive than the South today. I have a constituency to answer to that expects more. I have MY pride too, you know."

This shocking 'civic divorce' seems to underscore the divisive, judgmental nature of mankind, almost down to the molecular level. If the tiny cultural test tube of Gnawbone, Ohio cannot achieve unity, is their really any hope for the 6 billion denizens scattered in hundreds of cultures and countries World Wide?

Northern mayor Billy Buckley summed up the plight of mankind in his own earthy way:

"There's only two ways to wipe your ass, my way, and the wrong way!"

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