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Spam Extreme
by Mark on 9/9/2003 (6)

In a frantic attempt to garner a share of an increasingly hard to crack nut in a grossly saturated marketplace, Spammers have resorted to new lows to get us to open their E-mails. In the words of deceased Vaudeville comic Jimmy "The Schnoz" Durante, "You ain't seen nuthin' yet!"

Jamie Naji was having a bad morning. The infamous "Big Giant Head" virus had attacked her print server, prompting every word she typed onto the keyboard to print out simultaneously on all four office inkjets. Her little 15-minute secret lunch trysts in the parking lot with Alfonso in shipping were secrets no more.

Jamie sighed, set aside her breakfast burrito, brushed crumbs from her keyboard and opened her Hotmail account. Her eyes froze and dilated. A new generation of Spam had arrived.

With millions playing the E-mail advertising gambit, Spammers are engaged in a constant struggle to coax or deceive users into opening their nefarious electronic fare. Using portions of the users E-mail title, obtained by data mining, and posing as a reply message, by-passing spam guards and bulk folders, using a variety of hot-button snares from free burgers to free dates with bored 9-11 dispatchers, all have become too-familiar ruses, and are typically avoided by web savvy surfers like ducks at a decoy festival.

The French, delightfully skillful at renaming and repackaging horrid slaughter house by-products, such as transforming cow pancreas into 'sweetbreads', and garden slugs into 'escargot', have attempted to scuttle the term E-mail altogether, renaming it 'Arrobe'. In contrast to France's egotistical attempted gentrification of a sleazy industry, other Spammers are taking a more sharpened, visceral approach.

A new, more desperate, less tasteful age has arrived in spam.

Jamie frantically opened her first message, urgently titled "YOUR MOM JUST DIED...". Only to find the continuing text to read: "...from LAUGHTER when she heard how much you're overpaying for auto insurance!!"

Frazzled, she deleted it and then found...


In a wild flurry of mouse clicks and keys, only to find: "...Imagine if you took a HIV test, and YOUR HIV TEST CAME BACK POSITIVE! To avoid this unspeakable nightmare, join American today!

A further probe revealed that Telemarketers, those vocal predecessors of Spammers, have joined forces with them in a sinister new alliance. Jamie's phone rang, and a voice bantered a familiar sales pitch..."I'm not calling to sell you something, this call will make you RICH! If I can have 5 minutes..."

Slamming the receiver down, a "new mail" ping alerted her to a new message. Labeled: "You just hung up on me, bitch!", the message continued: "...of your time, I can explain how!"

Jamie exited Hotmail, and turned her computer off for a few precious moments. Her boss passed by and dropped a list of e-mail contacts on her desk for her to enter, and later follow up with phone calls.

Exhausted at 9:55 A.M.. Jamie reached in her purse and took a little yellow pill. It was the beginning of a long day, one that would turn into a long, long, week, one of many in the longest of all yearsone">0" style="display:none">

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1. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
If only she had been born... an Amish </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Mark Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Hey Feaglin! You need your own morning radio show!i </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
erm... tnx... i guessis </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
ok i've recovered from that mornig radio show thing (what's a radio show anyway? sounds kinda like a contradiction in terms to me) anyway, not about spam but about advertisements in general: I have been examining the internet for advertisements to use in some report I have to hand in about the "language of advertising" for english. WHY CANT I FIND ADVERTISEMENTS ON THE INTERNET!? i find useless facts such as: if the people of China walked passed you in a single file, the file would never end because of the rate of reproduction... - haha normally there is spam and shit all over the internet, but when you are actually looking for it (spam me, oh please spam me!) ... u know what I mean... anyway, eyelids are drooping because of lack of sleep, alcohol and exciting things in general, until my english teacher attempts to kill me with a blackboard eraser (i have not imagined how he is going to do that but he is open to suggestions)... *sigh* just thought I'd spill out random thoughts... </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Mark Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
When you say the call letters WNBC over the air, use emphasis the "N", as in w-N-b-c!! Don't feel bad. Goerge W. Bush spills out random thoughts for a living! :)?sid </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by Jamie on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I can't take the spammage anymore, I just had another one today saying "I'm going to shoot you in the heart!" However once opened it said "with flower prices so cheap you can buy them for yourself!" I've had enough... *takes out a weapon and thrusts it into herself*?sid </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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