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If Stan Lee had only...
by Mark on 6/18/2003 (1)

This article is a collaboration of the efforts of Mark Motz and Dan Kilian (

The Incredible Hulk... more threatening than a man dressed in a green suit.
When Stan Lee created the Incredible Hulk, he knew he had a winner.

Ol' Green Skin operates on an anger reflex common to all of us. Managing pent-up rage until it explodes into unbridled raging fury is a notion familiar to us all. The Hulk is alive, and hopefully dormant in all of us.

This is the key to Stan Lee's success. He builds entire characters on psychological components that add up to describe the human condition.

Iron man is an after hours superhero. Have all of us not wished for an exciting alter-ego to offset the mind numbing humdrum of daily life? Ben Grimm, a.k.a "The Thing", is maligned and misunderstood. A freak with a giant heart…have all of us not felt this way at one time in our lives?

Here are some characters that Lee MIGHT have come up with, given the inclination, and a bottle of Maker's Mark:

The Procrastinator
A lesser known, lower key superhero, paper product warehouse manager Bruce Baninksi, known as The Procrastinator, uses passive aggressive tactics to gently wear down Evil, like a piece of turquoise in a rock tumbler. Wearing a drab gray spandex one-piece with a yellow "P" emblazoned on his chest, he uses such famous one line catch-phrases as "I'll meet you in Central Park, tomorrow!" and, "Call me next Wednesday and we'll discuss the fate of Manhattan, and if I'm not there, leave me a message, I'll get back to you!" Baninski sublimely defeats super villains, usually driving them into other lines of work, namely social services, human resources and parody writing.

Man or man-made killing machine... it's too close to call.
When one of the regular superheroes goes on vacation or gets downsized, Manpower "temporarily" replaces him/her/it. He pretends to have the skills to carry out the hero's functions, despite having little talent beyond the ability to type 30 words per minute. He's a constant drag on the other hero's productivity with his endless questions (Hey, Spidey, how do you shoot webs again?) but he's constantly employed because he costs less than the real heroes and needs no healthcare.

The Realtor
Meek, indecisive ne'er do-well Century 21 agent Kitty Hawk, donning a red Gucci blazer, ruby red lipstick, and a "zero percent down" button pinned to her lapel, saunters behind an 3 walled cubicle, carrying a blank appointment schedule, emerges, -still dressed in a red Gucci blazer with a "zero percent" button pinned to the lapel, -but wearing a Batwomanesque silver face mask with diamond studs...and mebbe a little extra lipstick.

The Realtor seizes financial situations, forcing villains into 30 year, 10 percent floating mortgage loans with 5 figure closing costs and open ended forced insurance placement, rendering them financially incapable of pursuing a nefarious life of world conquest, simultaneously earning a Double Diamond pin, and a cameo photo in "Century's top 21" bi-annual internal newsletter.

Casanova X

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1. by john on 8/27/2008 11:13:58 PM
hehe nice touch mate i know millions of people who could suit those roles. just look out the window hehe<i </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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