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GOP Nominates Hank Hill as Presidential Candidate
by Mark on 5/28/2003 (5)

Could this be America’s next President? Signs point to Yes.
In an unprecedented bizarre bid, the Republican re-election committee has nixed George W. Bush for the 2004 ticket and plans to nominate animated prime-time cartoon character Hank Hill instead.

Everybody loves Hank Hill! Bellowed Kay Bailey Hutchinson Texas ( R ). "Hank's a Texas native, gotta beautiful loving wife and a fine boy. Sells propane, America LOVES barbeques, I'll tell ya' what!"

When reminded that Hank Hill is a cartoon character created by Mike Judge and not a real person, Hutchinson hushed:

Shhhh!! American voters won't know the difference! That's the beauty of all this! You tell me, son, how a cartoon character can become the number one watched prime time show in America. Look at the Simpsons, 12 seasons running. Hell Hank got higher damn ratings than the Super Bowl! Not even the whole damn Vietnam war ever did that!

Hutchinson continued:

"Americans WANT cartoon characters as their ideals. They have a two-dimensional predictable character that makes them seem tame and loveable. No surprises. No missed cues or bad grammar. That's what America wants, and that's what WE want!"

Kay leaned back and pressed the play button on a DVD, and Hank Hill popped up on a 52 inch big screen TV.

Even kids love propane!
Hello America, my name is Hank Hill. I sell propane and propane accessories. Now, I have found a higher calling. I am running for president of the United States of America, I'll tell ya' what! I plan to invite all of America to a Texas barbeque, propane powered, of course, propane let's you taste the meat, and not the heat!"

Hutchinson pressed a button and another track popped up:

Some of you want to know what my stand on terrorism is, I'll make this clear, they'll be no burger for Osama BinLaden at my picnic, nosiree, in fact, I'm gonna kick your ass, Osama, I'll tell ya' what!

Hutch pressed the stop key and added:

"We've got tapes for all occasions, and monitors all over the world, including the U.N. Mike Judge and his animation staff are working overtime to provide material for any possible scenario. We can perfectly tailor Hank to any occasion!"

When asked about the seeming lunacy of the whole idea, Hutchinson quipped:

"I'll tell ya' a little secret. If you look closely at this video of Dubya, you'll notice a bundle of cables coming outta his pant leg right here!"

Simpson's creator Matt Groening could not be reached for comment.0" sty

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1. by Mark on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Hank needs a strong running mate. Someone from South Park would be the best bet...maybe Stan (the Jewish vote), Cartman (the alien vote), or Kenny (You Bastards!!). Good article!n. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by MARK MOTZ on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I considered writing that in the story, but I didn't want to steal the glory from ol' Hank! Mebbe next time! Thanks!isplay:none" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by Marge Simpson on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Can you get me his phone # GRRRRRRRRRRig </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by Arnold Isley on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I don't know... Hank's a good candidate and all, but he has certain disadvantages as a Republican candidate: a) He doesn't get along with the Religious Right (remember the episode where he stood up to the fundamentalist who wanted to ban Halloween). b) He's a protectionist on trade (he won't even buy a Japanese TV set). c) His live-in niece Luanne's family history may be an embarrassment. (What if Luanne's mama gets out of prison and talks about how she got beat up by Peggy?) d) He and Peggy were seen grilling burgers naked in a nudist colony. Is this the kind of morality we want from our Republicans? One kind of meat should have nothing to do with another. e) He once got involved in the pimping business (he didn't know he was involved, but it could be embarrassing when it comes out in the news). f) Bobby's habit of kicking people in the testicles will be even more of an embarrassing story than the Bush girls' drinking. All in all, I'd say that Hank, unlike Councilman Fred Ebberd, wasn't cut out for politics.ui </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by Mark Motz, author on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
BUT...he did get the low-flow toilet ordinance revoked. That took alot a savvy! Gotta admit! src="h </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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