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Five Things You Should Never Do With Your Quran
by Mark on 9/18/2010 (2) 
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Okay, relax, we know, we know. Anyone crazy enough to even obliquely defile the Quran these days is exactly that, crazy, lest you get your ass cheeks worn as a hat, but we at Smooth Operator, ever open minded and empty pocketed, agreed to post some things that you should NEVER do with your Quran, as in a how-not-to educational tutorial, so you don't accidentally do these things and offend Allah and his followers, namely some really angry unibrow guys with three or four hyphens in their name and a grenade in their boxers, so catch your breath and read on!
1. Never use your Quran to wrap Baklava: Although the crisp velum leaves of a high grade Quran may resemble Phyllo dough in taste and texture, never, repeat ever, however great the temptation, consider using it as a substitute, although if the result were some really high grade pistachio-honey-walnut Baklava, I somehow like to think Allah would approve.
2. Never use the Quran to protect your behind from a spanking: Although it may seem ideal with its massive protective bulk, using a Quran as a backside whooping shield is downright disrespectful and a wee bit ironic: the Quran, like the Bible, is a spanking! Remember that, kids!
3. The Quran should never be used as a straight edge: Jesus was a carpenter, so I guess he would have approved, and while Islam acknowledges that Jesus was indeed a prophet, they rarely give him credit as a carpenter. Good carpenters were really hard to come by in those days, but bad prophets were crawling out of the woodwork, both literally and figuratively.
4. The Quran should be kept in climate controlled temperature and humidity: Never, ever leave your Quran near a heat register, on a sunny windowsill, or in a dry attic or dank, humid basement. Pack your Quran in rice during the Monsoon season. There is a little paper dot on the inside cover of your Quran. If it turns red, it means your Quran has gotten wet. In general, just like fine French Burgundy or Napolean Cognac, Qurans like it cool and dry.
5. The Quran is not doctor or dentist office reading material: Although if you are a Muslim doctor or dentist I suppose it might be acceptable, but you probably need to get permission, first. From Whom? Osama Ben Laden I would suppose, although I hear response times are 'killer' these days! Hardee-harr!!
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