Global Warming Supporters Call for End to 230 mpg Chevy Volt
on 8/11/2009 (7)
Detroit, Michigan - The recent announcement by General Motors that its new Chevrolet Volt electric car is expected to get 230 miles per gallon in the city and triple digit mileage on the highway has supporters of Global Warming up in arms, calling for an immediate end to production of the car and execution of all employees associated with its development.
"How are we supposed to warm up the Earth with insane gas mileage like that," said Tom Brown, avid hater of the environment and supporter of Global Warming. Brown is especially interested in Global Warming due to his purchase of billions of acres of Nevada desert, which he believes will one day be oceanfront property due to rising sea levels causes by Global Warming. He also hates penguins due to a property dispute with one especially boisterous bird four years ago and hopes Earth's rising temperature level will kill them all sooner rather than later (which it probably will).
Every day people like Brown unnecessarily drive hundreds of miles to destinations they don't need to reach for the sole purpose of creating more carbon dioxide, one of the main contributors to Global Warming. The really dedicated anti-environmentalists also pull boats, trailer homes, or overweight movie stars. The fear by Global Warming supporters is that by reducing carbon emissions of vehicles, the effects of Global Warming could be slowed or even reversed.
"Imagine a world where each day is 1 to 3 degrees cooler, where the air is safe to breath, and thousands of species of plants and animals are not becoming extinct," Mario Jenkins, President of Citizens for Global Warming (CGW), told Smooth Operator in an interview earlier last week that we're only talking about now in an ironically related story. "The horrors of such a world are unimaginable... zombies roaming the land, fire raining down from the sky, new episodes of the Chevy Chase show... I soiled myself just thinking about it."
In a press release earlier today, CGW has promised to burn any GM dealership to the ground that sells the Volt vehicles and give the "evil eye" to any consumer who purchases one.
Fritz Henderson, GM's chief executive, is hopeful that GM can rise from the ashes of bankruptcy and be profitable by 2011. The Chevy Volt is a cornerstone in these plans and they appear ready to release the car even amidst a public relations backlash from a group clearly crazy enough to do something really stupid in retaliation.
"We at GM understand that our core customers hate the environment and always will," Henderson said. "That's why we've made giant SUVs that burn more fuel than the space shuttle for the past two decades. Unfortunately times have changed and government regulations no longer permit us to recklessly attack the environment in such an obvious way. Rest assured though that even though we cannot directly harm the environment through CO2 emissions anymore, our engineers are hard at work to find better and even more destructive ways to bring Mother Nature to her knees."
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