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Gary, Indiana Deemed Too Cruel for Guantanamo Prisoners
by Kris on 6/11/2009 (0) 
Washington, District, of Columbia - The process to close Guantanamo Bay and resettle the remaining 235 prisoners has hit another roadblock today as Congress, the Attorney General, and just about everyone else in the government has deemed Gary, Indiana "too cruel" a location for the detainees.
High crime rates, unbridled drug abuse, sewage-contaminated water, and an ever present ass smell were cited by Attorney General Eric Holder as the main reasons Gary would not be a suitable location to relocate the prisoners. Additional concerns included overcrowded jails, thousands of free-range feral cats, poorly-marked one-way streets, and a potential Hanson reunion concert.
"Under international law, it is illegal to release a prisoner to a country when it is known that they will be tortured or abused," Holder told Smooth Operator earlier today. While he didn't explicitly say so, it was clear from his body language that he likened the prospect of being in Gary to that of being water boarded while repeatedly being hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer as the movie Glitter plays in the background (with the volume turned all the way up).
Gary, Indiana as a location for the Gitmo prisoners was initially brought up as a joke by the Obama Administration but the proposal gathered steam as people began to realize that transferring several hundred high profile suspected terrorists to Gary would actually be an improvement to the city most commonly known as America's Butthole.
Several Gary, Indiana city council members are reportedly very disappointed in the decision but admitted that were it not for crippling mortgages, family obligations, and fear of being shot while trying to flee the city, they wouldn't be in Gary, Indiana either nor would they wish their fate on anyone else.
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