Obama Stimulus Package Earmarks $1.6 Billion For Ailing Detroit Sports Teams
on 2/7/2009 (6)
|Detroit, for you, the competition is over. |
(AP) As the U.S. Senate worked feverishly on a rare Saturday session to pass President Barack Obama's controversial stimulus package, one rider seems certain to pass with rare and true bipartisan support and is sure to be ratified when the package proper is put to the vote early Tuesday.
"One thing that we all can agree on is the languishing, wretched state of Detroit's sports teams." Lamented Senate minority leader Republican Mitch McConnell, "We cannot allow a football team to go 0-16 again in America. What kind of message does this send to our citizens at home and our friends and foes alike abroad? We easily agreed that no less than 1.2 billion dollars will be earmarked for a total rebuild of the Detroit Lions, including coaching staff, ownership, new stadium, uniforms and media relations."
McConnel took a vintage 1968 Tiger's Denny McClain
Topps card from his desk, tore it in half, and tossed it into a nearby garbage tin
"A lesser sum is being divvied up to add pitching and batting coaching and staff and a new bullpen for the dismal Detroit Tigers, and a new forward and guard for the aging Pistons. This is a matter of national pride, and we all seem to be thinking alike on the matter."
When prodded if the money could be better spent on Detroit's infrastructure and public schooling, McConnell wryly offered "That's all part of the big picture. On one hand, if you fix up an ailing cities sports clubs, you instill pride in that city and that city tends to fix itself, but on the other hand a risk does exist, as illustrated by the fact that the Detroit Redwings are in first place and no one really pays attention or even seems to care. With Detroit sports, though, we all agree it's just like a really, really crappy lawn that's filled with nothing but weeds. Your only recourse is to kill off the whole damn thing, plant new seed and start over."h=0" hei
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