Financial Crisis Not as Frightening as Giant Robot Killer Bees
on 10/24/2008 (0)
Stocks are plummeting. Well established financial institutions need government assistance. Homeowners are being thrown out on the streets. Private jets of insanely rich people are grounded. Yet all these problems pale in comparison to the threat of giant robot killer bees.
|That shit is some scary shit! |
The first giant robot killer bee attack was reported in 1973 in Brazil. Since then, the attacks have spread north as far as Kansas, becoming more and more violent with each country they topple. It is believed the bees were able to enter the United States due to lax immigration security and unstoppable killing power, effectively know in scientific circles as the dreaded "double-whammy". A recent poll of the southern states indicated that giant robot killer bees were their biggest fear, followed distantly by bedwetting, erectile dysfunction, and coughing and sneezing at the same time (which would instantly cause one's head to explode).
A similar sentiment is echoed nationwide by common people that we will now quote. These people are all real and were not made up as some sort of clever ploy by Smooth Operator to make you all fear giant robot killer bees and purchase our patented giant robot killer bee repellent spray (though we'd love to take credit for such a genius idea).
"Money is money but giant robot killer bees are giant robot killer bees," said Nevada blackjack dealer Warren James.
"I've lost half my savings and I'm in danger of losing my home," said Philadelphia business executive John Feller. "The thought of living out of a cardboard box is frightening, but not nearly as frightening as the thought of being attacked by giant robot killer bees."
"My wife and oldest son were killed by giant robot killer bees and my youngest son was taken to be raised as one of their own," said one Texas man, who latter admitted that he cried at the end of Titanic yet shed nary a tear for his lost family because secretly, he really didn't care for them.
Economists, market strategists, investors and financial columnists agree. While the financial situation seems bleak, they'd much rather take financial uncertainty than a horrifically painful death at the hands of our eventual robot bee masters.
"It's realistic to say a lot of portfolios were not positioned for slowing growth, let alone a recession," said Subodh Kumar, an independent market strategist based in Toronto who is of no relation to Kumar from the Harold and Kumar movies. "But that's not nearly as scary as what a giant robot killer bee could do to me. Thank god I live in Canada where Eskimo God Snowy Joe will protect us."
Many Americans believe that while financially things may continue to decline, there is hope one day in the future for a return to stability. No one makes that same claim when it comes to giant robot killer bees, who will surely one day kill each and every man, woman, and child on the face of the Earth and probably those who attempt to flee into space too.
"Giant robot killer bees are a darkness that will eventually consume us all," said an official statement from the United States Army Robot Bee Protection division. "Our weapons are useless again their numbers and impenetrable metal shielding. Their plutonium-tipped stingers will kill anyone they attack and their razor sharp teeth can devour an elephant to the bone in under a minute. It is only a matter of when, not if, they completely destroy the human race."
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