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The Booze for Bums Initiative
by Kris on 10/20/2008 (0)

The sign says it all.
It's no secret that when you see a bum panhandling on the street for money that they intend on using the money for booze. They might tell you they need it for food, bus fare, or a kidney operation, but we all know it's for booze. And that's why a program like "Booze for Bums" is so desperately needed.

Regardless of how they initially became bums, money is perhaps the single biggest factor that keeps them bums. Because they don't have money, they cannot afford a place to live. Because they don't have money, they have to wear the same urine soaked clothes day in and day out. Because they have no place to live, they have no place to shower. Because they smell awful and look like Nick Nolte after a three-week long bender, they can't get jobs. And what little money bums do get goes toward sweet lady booze.

"Every penny I get goes to buy booze," admitted alcoholic New Jersey bum Kevin Hamster. "I suppose I could get cleaned up or have a nice place to stay if I didn't spend it all on booze, but alcoholism is a terrible beast I cannot slay."

The Booze for Bums initiative promises to solve the bum problem by alleviating the need for bums to purchase booze. If bums don't need to purchase booze, they can use their money instead to purchase new clothing, hygienic products, or even housing. In their more presentable states, bums will be able to become a productive member of the workforce and in essence cease to be bums anymore.

The great thing about the Booze for Bums initiative is that the infrastructure is already in place to accomplish it. Rather than spending time and money to setup distribution areas for booze, booze can simply be left in any dumpster in an area frequented by bums. The bums already check these dumpsters for food and other necessities like discarded shoes or old lawn chairs; there might even be a bum sleeping in a dumpster near you right now! All you have to do is leave the booze in the dumpster and some lucky bum will scoop it up. The beauty of the plan is that only bums would be going through a dumpster, so you can be sure that only a bum will get the booze you leave for them.

The wild life of the drunken bum.
"Every morning I look in the dumpster to see what I can find," said St. Louis bum Alice Walter. "If I found some booze in there, it would be just like Christmas. Well, not my Christmases because I'm a bum and spend Christmas huddling around a barrel full of burning trash, but one of those Walton style gigs where everyone gets nice presents and is surrounded by family and friends who don't look down on them just because they live in an old projection TV box in the alley by the Chinatown restaurant."

Certainly you can purchase new booze and leave it for bums, but these down on their luck individuals really don't care what you give them as long as it has liquor in it. So rather than spending your hard earned cash, why not get rid of that alcohol that's been sitting in the back of your fridge or liquor cabinet for years? If you don't have enough to fill an entire bottle, combine a couple bottles. Bums don't care that they're drinking a mix of vodka, vermouth, Jack Daniels, and Bud Light, they just care that it gets them hammered and allows th


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