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Smoky Bear Admits Things Other Than You Can Also Prevent Forest Fires
by Kris on 8/19/2008 (1) 
 | | Goodbye to a forest fire legend. | | For years Smoky Bear has been preaching to people young and old that, in his words, "Only you can prevent forest fires". The general idea is that if you take some extra care, doing things like making sure to dose your campfire with water before going to bed and not storing gasoline in a pan over the fire, forest fires can be prevented.
Due in large part to the rash of forest fires sweeping through the west during this summer and last that were not cause by careless humans and years of pressure from fireman nationwide, Smoky was finally forced to concede that things other than you can be done to prevent forest fires and issued the following statement at a press conference earlier today:
"For years I have falsely claimed that only you could prevent forest fires. While you certainly can do many things to prevent forest fires, people other than you can also do things. So can animals and tidal waves and monsoons. Creating a giant glass dome over all forests that could suck out all the air when a fire occurs would be another good option. I apologize for deceiving you all over the last sixty years and sincerely hope that one day, you can forgive me."
Smoky was later observed in a local stream catching salmon while tears streamed down his cheeks.
Firemen nationwide feel vindicated by the admission, even if it was decades later than they hoped.
"You have no idea how many times I've hear someone whisper, ‘You know, if someone would just put out their campfire, this guy would be out of work'" said veteran firefighter Al Coffeehammer. "People don't realize that lighting, dry conditions, or firefly overpopulation all cause forest fires. Firemen are treated like they're just here to clean up after someone's dumb mistakes because of the message Smoky has passed."
Following the admission, Smoky Bear was placed on indefinite suspension from his post as official mascot of wildfire prevention. At this point, it seems unlikely that he will return. Frontrunners to replace Smoky in future advertisements are the noble desert armadillo, the spotted owl, and Puck from the original Real World. Despite being a huge asshole, Puck has never burned anything down.
Now that the slogan that they have used for the past sixty years is out the window, the United States Forest Service is seeking a new slogan as well. The Forest Service hopes to create a new, more edgy slogan that will reach a new generation of Americans that never related to the rather mild mannered Smoky.
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