Al Gore Seeks Royalties on Internet Usage
on 8/17/2008 (2)
Free, Land of the Not So - Friend to the environment and everyone's favorite monotone Vice President Al Gore is reportedly preparing a Federal Court case in which he will seek royalties on all Internet usage since its humble beginnings in 1973.
|The very threatening Al Gore. |
"I invented the whole thing and I've never seen a dime from it," told Gore reports. "If a musician records a song, does he not get royalties for every purchase? If an author writes a book, does he not see royalties too? If a barely eighteen year old girl stars in a porno, does she not receive money? I'm just asking for what I rightfully deserve."
Royalties for the Internet would encompass everything from Internet access to web hosting to online auctions. The amount of royalties owed to Gore is estimated at $50 trillion. This would make Gore the richest man alive, easily bypassing the world's second richest man, who has a mere $62 billion.
Gore is not seeking the money for personal usage though. Should he win the case or a settlement be reached, he plans to use the money to clean up the environment, stop global warming, and destroy all copies of the Godfather 3.
"I really hate that movie," said Gore.
It may be difficult, even if Gore wins his case, to ever collect the money. Internet usage is worldwide and tracking down and charging those who use it could prove very difficult, especially when leaving US soil.
"It's not as if someone can just cut Gore a huge check," said Kirby Smells, Internet Lawyer extraordinaire. "He's going to have to track down each individual that ever bought, sold, or profited off the Internet in the last three decades. The amount of time and money to do this could potentially be even more than the money Gore could possibly collect."
Gore does not seem detoured by this roadblock though and plans to use his liaison, Robot Al Gore, in order to collection on what he's owed. In 2005, when a neighbor threw a rowdy party and woke Gore up from a nap in his hyperbolic chamber, Gore dispatched Robot Al Gore, who promptly leveled the neighbor 's home with a tactical nuclear strike. It is this sort of convincing that Gore hopes will cut down on legal fees and time spent in court.
In addition, Gore has come to grips with the fact that he won't realistically be able to collect from everyone but will instead collect from those that profited most from his invention.
"I can't honestly expect to collect from every little guy, Grandmas selling quilts online and the like, but I certainly will be targeting the big guys like Google, Microsoft, and Smooth Operator. "
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