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Guy With Really Crappy Credit Laughs Off Identity Theft Attempt
by Mark on 8/13/2008 (0)

What's in your wallet?
APATHY, IL - 27 year old Apathy, Illinois resident Jake Brown recently laughed off "repeated futile attempts at online identity theft" citing a dismal, useless credit rating as cause.

"Spyware away! The jokes on you! Last week I got a notice from Chase Manhattan Bank denying me a Visa card with a Nigerian mailing address and my name and social security number on it, and just today I was denied a second home mortgage to some guy with my info in the Canary Islands. Woo-Hoo! Boy, that's a real shocker!"

Brown described his credit score as "slightly above the homeless and unemployable" level, blaming a delinquent $70,000 student loan, a property foreclosure, and 2 recent credit cards gone to judgment lien as cause.

Brown convulsed and chortled diabolically

"Haha! Last thing on my mind is worrying about someone wanting to be me. But hey, that's what I get for getting married young and pursuing a Master's Degree in Egyptology, anyway. The way I see it, I'm just putting a positive spin on a really, really bad situation, but you have to keep your sense of humor, no matter what, right? Fire away!"

Unknown to Brown, other forces were at work that would prove a bit more difficult to dismiss than declined credit, including an illegal Dutch gay porn website registered under his name, and a subpoena from RIAA claiming he illegally uploaded "No fewer than 425,000 copyrighted songs from his Dominican Republic based server from 2003-2005."

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