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Axe Murderers Give Hitchhikers a Bad Name
by Kris on 8/9/2008 (0)

"Going my way?"
The Roads of America, USA - All across this great country of ours, people without access to a vehicle travel the roads by means of the kindly stranger willing to take them along as long as it's on their way. Sometimes the hitchhikers had car trouble, other times they may simply be too poor to afford their own means of transportation. Whatever the reason, they provide those who pick them up with travel companionship, interesting stories, and the occasional sexual gratification.

A recent trend though is threatening the very core of hitchhiking, axe murdering. While only 5% of all hitchhikers are axe murderers, their horrific deeds have been heavily publicized in the media and have sent doubts into the minds of kind drivers that would otherwise oblige the wearisome traveler. While there are no more axe murdering in the last five years than in the last fifty years, new technology such as the Internet and advances in smoke-signal technology have made the gruesome details of such attacks much more public.

A national study by the Federal Institute of National Studies found that only one out of ten people who routinely pickup hitchhikers during their life will be killed by an axe murderer. You're much more likely to be killed by bears, run over by an out of control logging truck, or eaten by the ghost of Marlon Brando but that hasn't stopped the perception that every hitchhiker is a threat to your life.

"I used to always pick up hitchhikers," said Daniel Gofer, who has been driving trucks for Snyder International for the past fifteen years. "A few years back, a friend of mine was hacked into pieces by a hitchhiker. Since then, as much as I miss them and casual sex, I haven't picked up anyone. I'd love to have the company, but not at risk of my own life."

The number of people hitchhiking in the past five years has declined by 50% and looks to continue that trend. Those who have stopped hitchhiking have cited difficulty finding rides and, even when they do find a ride, the experiences is very unsettling as the drivers are so on edge that they may be attacked.

"I was on my way to Gary, Indiana in a small pickup truck that had picked me up," recalled former hitchhiker Berry Wyes. "It was a long trip and so I figured I would use that time to sharpen my axe. The driver freaked out and drove us into a bridge embankment. I spent the next six months in the hospital. I haven't hitchhiked since."

Hitchhiking is just as safe today as it was fifty years ago, especially if you follow a few simple rules. First, check if they are carrying an axe (you can't be axe murdered if they don't have an axe). Strip search them if necessary or enjoyable. If you find an axe and they don't have a plausible explanation for it (such as a career as a lumberjack or traveling axe salesman), decline the ride. Second, once they are in the vehicle, make sure they cannot get a hold of an axe. Nearly a quarter of all axe murdering happen with axes that were either found in the vehicle or purchased at roadside axe vendors. Make sure you that if you have an axe in the vehicle, it has a locked axe-guard on it. Finally, when you get to their destination (especially if that destination is a boarded-up home or abandoned lumber mill), avoid entering the residence. There is a good chance that should you enter, you will be promptly murdered with an axe.

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