Ten Steps to Being a Badass
on 7/27/2008 (5)
There is no denying that girls dig a bad guy. Some of us are lucky enough to be born with a pack of cigarettes in one hand, a motorcycle between our legs, and a leather jacket on our backs. This article is aimed at helping those who weren't so blessed into become the badass that will clean up with the ladies. Follow these simple ten steps and you'll be well on your way to becoming the next James Dean, minus the unfortunate auto related death of course.
|What a rebel. |
Nothing says badass like breaking the law, and no law is easier to break than crossing the streets where you're not supposed to, a practice I have dubbed jaywalking. Whenever you feel like crossing a street, just do so. In fact, just cross the street for the hell of it and then cross right back at some arbitrary time later. Your total disregard for the law will have girls flocking to you like dingoes to an Australian baby. If you want to raise your badass limits to untold levels, try jaywalking while there is oncoming traffic coming too but remember that if you get hit, in order to keep up your newly acquired badass image, you're going to need to walk it off like a man, even if both your legs are broken and your arm is pinned under a tipped over Ford Explorer (which happens to be on fire).
2. Sneak Things into the Movie Theater
Movie theater refreshment prices are ridiculous. Show your hatred toward the man by refusing to play his cruel game of $4 popcorn and $3 Juju fruit buy bringing in your own. I know this sounds scary, so start small with something like a stick of gum and then gradually work up to a Thanksgiving dinner buffet. This could be the ultimate rush, as there is a constant fear that some minimum wage high school student will catch you and confiscate your precious booty. Everyone that sees you eating the non-theater food will be impressed by your rebelliousness (and thriftiness) and secretly wish there were as badass as you are.
3. Talk like a Badass
Leave the muttering and stammering at home. Badasses are men of few words, but when they speak, it's short, to the point, often sarcastic as hell, and causes villains shit themselves in fear. John McClane didn't say a lot, but when he did, it was something cool like "Yippie-kay-yay, motherfucker" or "You motherfucker, I'm gonna kill you!". You never heard the likes of Arnold, Chuck Norris, or Rambo talking about their World of Warcraft accounts or complaining about the economic recession so stop that shit right now. Swearing is pretty badass too, just look at Samuel L. Jackson, he is one badass motherfucker. Just don't overdo it or people will think you have turrets, which is about as badass as Helen Keller.
4. Dress like a Badass
|Nice rags. |
That "Legend of Zelda" t-shirt you like to wear might impress all your nerd friends, but if you want to be taken seriously as a badass, you need to look the part. Nothing says complete badass like 80's rock band tour t-shirts and ripped jean jackets. This will convey to people that you have a badass sense of music and a general disregard for the past twenty years of fashion, which have been decidedly less than badass. As an alternative, you can also go for the simple badas
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