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Global Warming Good, But Could be Better
by Kris on 7/2/2008 (0)

Satellite photo of the Earth today.
Madison, WI - So far this summer, the days have been a strange mix of warm 80 degree days and not so warm 68 degree days. While this might seem nice, it is far from the warmest summer seen in Wisconsin and it's far from what global warming has promised us.

The phrase global warming was first coined in the 1960's by science fiction writer and future cult leader L. Ron Hubbard in his comic "Crazy Warm Summer Flood from Hell". Since then, global warming has entered the modern lexicon as a promise of warmer weather and more beachfront property.

Former Vice President Al Gore perhaps did the most to further the cause of Global Warming in his apocalyptic thriller "An Inconvenient Truth", in which he promised weather so warm that seas would literally boil and sweaters would effectively be eliminated from modern dress. He promised a world where everyone wore bathing suits and the only sign of winter would be Santa riding on his jet-ski delivering toys. He promised a world where those yuppies in California would finally be drown (our apologies if you're one of those yuppies, you must not be that bad if you're reading this page).

While average temperatures are up worldwide, Global Warming has yet to deliver on its promise, which was documented accurately in the 1995 documentary "Water World" in which man lived on giant makeshift rafts and drank their own urine.

"It is very sad, I bought a lot of land in east Nevada because, by Gore's estimates, it should have become oceanfront property by now and I would be a millionaire," said realty speculator Richard Allen. "I've been leaving my truck idling all day and spraying aerosol cans into the air almost nonstop, but even that hasn't helped."

Mr. Allen isn't the only consumer cheated by the misgivings of global warming. Larry Manderson opened a raft store in Kentucky, over 150 miles from the nearest lake. Jenny Silver bought a new bathing suit, despite living in Alaska. Bob Chickenmop sold his Los Angeles condo, despite having a great view, for a loss. Allison Smith learned how to swim. Mary York has postponed having children until their DNA can be genetically modified so they are born with flippers that will allow them to navigate the watery future world. There are literally dozens of over stories of incredible heroism that have been seemingly for not.

"Scientists and Al Gore have promised us great things from Global Warming," said angry Madisonite Greg Hair. "Yet all we've seen so far is incremental change. If I wanted to see incremental changed, I'd flip through my Michael Jackson albums. "

While there is still hope that Global Warming may pan out the way we all hoped but take heed the lessons learned by early believers. Keep the promise of a warmer tomorrow in your head, but realize you'll probably be old or dead by the time it ever happens and try not to be too mad that those ungrateful children of yours will get to have all the fun."00" style


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