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Exclusive Interview With The Liberal Grocer
by Mark on 11/17/2007 (0)

Make mine generic!
After a tumultuous, questionably deserved hiatus, Smooth Operator is back on the slippery, meandering trek to trace liberalism in America again, culminating in a stop at America's first liberal grocer, Greenwich Village's 'Peeplesmart'. Peeplesmart manager C. Norman Krapwell describes:

Smooth O: "Good morning Mr. Krapwell. What can you tell me about Peeplesmart? Why are you so cutting edge, politically correct and avant garde?"

Krapwell: "Well, first and foremost we have eliminated previous classifications among food. It is morally wrong to attach labels to food, you know. Food is food. There are no differences. You won't find a produce, meat, or dairy section at Peeplesmart. Just food. No more class divisions among edibles. No more labels. Just food."

Smooth O: "Umm, well how do I find a banana? Or some swiss cheese?"

Krapwell: "Sir, as I just mentioned, there are no labels here. If you want the items that you just mentioned, you will find them here, but they are not segregated and labeled in any fashion. All food is equal. No more Filet Mignon or hot dogs, just food. No more Tilapia or canned Tuna, just food. We don't even have the customary cuts of prime meats here at Peeplesmart, which is class divisive. We take the entire cow, brains, hams and loins included, and grind them into our exclusive "Peeplesburgers". Our efforts mirror our political efforts, you know, which is to eliminate any divisions among mankind, whether they are real or not. Same thing goes here with food."

Smooth O: "Err...okay. I guess I can sorta see that. But what if someone comes in and asks for a corned beef sandwich with mustard?"

Krapwell: "Sir, again, the grand scheme is to modify not only the way people eat, but the way they think. We don't want anyone to even think that they want something so elite and counter-cultural as a Reuben, and the dilemma ends before it even begins. We just want people to simplify and homogenize their appetites into just wanting food. When people get hungry, they should only think "I need food", eat food, and not subdivide it any further, under penalty of ostracism. Nothing more, period."

Smooth O: "Well, that seems rather dreary. I mean, if I want a good Porterhouse Steak, a sour cream baked potato with crumbled bacon, wild rice mushroom pilaf and some Breyers frozen strawberry yogurt for dessert, why can't I have it? What's wrong with that? What's the problem there?"

Krapwell: "Well, simply put, that makes you a food racist and a culinary bigot. You are clearly a conservative, sir. As we see it, sometimes humans need to eliminate flaws in their thinking, and drawing mental divisions is destructive to society, and that includes all facets of daily life, including politics, entertainment, religion, clothing and even the vehicles we drive and the very food we eat. All characteristics that create class or cultural differences must be eliminated, even by force if required, period, for the public good."

Smooth O: "Well, I wish you luck with that. One last request...can I at least get a drink of water? I mean, water is just water, right?"

Krapwell: 'Yes you may, as long as it isn't in a trendy, colorful plastic bottle."

Smooth O: "Thanks....I think..."

Krapwell: "You are most certainly welcome."

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