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Still No New Advances In Capri Sun Technology
by Kris on 5/21/2007 (0)

Come on, even a monkey could design a better package than that.
When I look at all that has been accomplished in the past decade, I am honestly amazed. The advanced that have been made in medicine and computers alone are astounding. Back then, a gunshot wound to the face by a rogue Vice President would have killed someone and the Internet was just a glimmer in the eye of a young Al Gore. Yet despite all the advances, for some ungodly reason, one device had remained unchanged, the Capri Sun drink pouch.

You'd think someone would suggest a bottle, a can, or even an edible oatmeal container as a replacement for the pouch. You could convincing argue that drinking Capri Sun out of a hollowed out monkey head would be a step up from the current state of affairs.

Now I can understand leaving something untouched if it were the pinnacle of technology or the greatest thing since sliced bread, but the Capri Sun pouch is far from those. It is as equally frustrating to open today as it was a decade ago. Sometimes the straw goes right through to the other side, other times the end of the straw bends and you must use another object to poke a hole (which inevitably ends up going completely through). Many times an unsuspecting drinker is squirted with juice should they be squeezing the pouch too tightly while inserting the straw, which given how frustrating it is to open is pretty likely that you'll be wanting to squeeze the life out of the damn thing. Or worse still, you actually get the straw to go in as intended only to find that you have a defective straw and now your drink is a deranged combination of juice and air. Most people simply give up trying to put the straw through the tiny silver hole where it belongs and just jam it into the underside of the pouch like Captain Ahab spearing a fat albino swimmer, only to regret the decision later as they find it completely and utterly impossible to set down their drink.

I can tell you from personal experience that the horrors of trying to open a Capri Sun have left lifelong scares on me, emotional and physical. There was a time when I was ten that a Capri Sun literally exploded in my hands, all but ruining snack time for me and those within the blast radius. And another time I jammed the straw right through the pouch and into my hand, leaving a piece of yellow/orange plastic embedded deep into my skin to this very day. These types of tragic stories are all too common for those of us that grew up in the 1980's and 1990's.

There have been a few minor attempts at modifying the product packaging over the last decade but these have been little more than marketing promotions and yielded little help. Why the makers of Capri Sun insist on using their clearly inferior pouch design points to some sick fascination to force another generation to suffer the indignity of having a delicious cold drink that they cannot drink without being utterly and completely humiliated in the process. In all likelihood, the current makers of Capri Sun were tormented just as much as I was by this poor packaging and rather than reinvent the container to something good, they've chosen to stick it to the youth of America and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Or their product development team is headed by Dustin Hoffman's Rainman and Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

Whatever the reason, the future seems just as dark as the past. Like finding a dead guy by the train tracks, getting a weggie from the school bully, or contracting herpies from the cute girl in your science class, it seems that Capri Sun is destined to remain, for whatever<


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